Praise Your Pantheon 2017

Hand holding a book »New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures«

The 8th of October is worldwide »Praise Your Pantheon day«. Mainly because I invented the day in 2016 and plan to make this a global thing. One year later it’s time for a slightly revised Pantheon.

Before we start you may ask why I have gods on my own. Basically I decided that I don’t believe in gods I haven’t invented myself. In fact, everybody should have a Pantheon of his own. You can tell a lot about people by the gods they will choose. I could write another blog post about this. And maybe I will.

Of course you should praise your gods all year long. The 8th of October is just a special day to either invent some gods, celebrate the fact that you have your own gods or to tweak your Pantheon – new gods may come in handy, you never know.

This is the 2017 revised edition of my Pantheon. I decided to add one God of Randomness.
And I noticed I need a name for my religion/mythology. So henceforth it’s name shall be: Mellowism.

Let’s meet the gods.

Ambrose

First of Everything. The King of Kings. The Main Man. He started out as the God of Wisdom. But after eons of watching humanity doing stupid things over and over again he slowly grew into the God of Cynism.

You worship him by sharing knowledge, being clever or being cynic.

Kalimba

Goddess of the Fine Arts and of Punk. For some reason also the Goddess of Rain. She’s Ambrose’s wife. And although she’s not technically the God in Chief everybody knows that she’s basically in charge.

You worship her by being creative or go outside into the rain on purpose. Worshipping also includes backing other people’s ideas on Kickstarter or other crowdfunding platforms.

Janice

Goddess of Daydreams. Goddess of Laissez-Faire.

You worship her by escaping reality whenever you can. Have some happy places where you can travel to.

Luci

Goddess of Rhetoric. Goddess of the elitist Know-It-All Attitude. Also responsible for »Fuck that! I’ll do that now!«. Sister of XIV.

You worship her by being eloquent or by being a smart-ass.

XIV

pronounced: 14

God of Self-Opinionatedness. God of Egocentrism. God of »Been there, done that«. God of Rampant Decandolacy. God of Long Nights. Brother of Luci.

You worship him by embracing your ego. And by staying up late. He is usually pleased if you use your hands to show any variation of the numbers 1 and 4 by moving one finger in another direction as the other four. »Thumbs up« is such a gesture. Or extending your pinky finger when drinking. You may prefer other gestures.

Dick

God of Arbitrariness. God of Talking In-Between. God of Lame Excuses.

You usually worship him by being yourself. But he likes it if you add a »Hail Dick!«.

Zee

also: Ceeté

Goddess of Delays.

You worship her by being late on principle. That’s why she is a big fan of trains and airplanes.

DelaVega

God of Noble Deeds.

You worship him by doing something nice once in a while. Do a friend a favor. Donate some money.

Sister Dot

Goddess of Everything Cute. Also the Goddess of Silly Stupid Fun.

You worship her by having silly stupid fun. If you do, tip your index finger on your nose to indicate a dot.

Pan

God of Nature. God of Sleep. Also the God of Evil Laughs. Really the God of Laughing in general, but I prefer a God with a focus on evil laughs.

You worship him by laughing evilly. Obviously.

PuffPuff

Goddess of Hard Work. Goddess of Patience.

You worship her by shutting up and just doing what you are supposed to do.

Poe

God of Nevermore. God of »You shall not«, »You Can’t« and »You never will«.

Do not worship this guy! He’s an idiot!

Jinjang

Goddess of Blasphemy. Goddess of Inconsistencies.

You worship her by saying one thing and then doing the opposite. You also worship her by noticing inconsistencies.

Yogg

God of Randomness.

You worship him by rolling a dice or flipping a coin whenever you need to make an important decision. Yogg may repay you with some odds in your favor when you need them. Or maybe he won’t. It’s more like 50:50 most of the times.

Höllger

God of bad puns. Lord of the Underworld. Lord of Hell. Or in german: Herrscher über die Wortspielhölle.

Höllger is a mixture between the german name Holger and Hölle, the german word for hell. Wortspielhölle contains both Wortspiel (pun) and Spielhölle (gambling hell).

You worship him by not holding back whenever a bad pun crosses your mind. Nothing is too shabby.

$*!

The frikkin’ God of Swearing! Also the God of Sophisticated Rants.

You worship him by swearing. He’s especially fond of »bitchin’« and »sweet mother of monkey milk«. Or just any spontaneous made-up curse word. Just swear, don’t listen to those lousy funsuckers.

Anpu

God of Eternal Life.

Be very very careful with any kind of worshipping! It’s a trap!

Cary

Cary is not considered to really be part of the Pantheon as he is only a Half God. His only job is to carry the believers and worshippers of Mellowism to the afterlife. Since this is only me (so far) he is mainly tasked with waiting for my death. Which is very boring.

No need to worship him. But you may make him happy by converting to Mellowism so he has some other souls to carry to the afterlife.

Somehow you can tell he is Höllger’s son.

 

Cover picture by Ian Espinosa (@greystorm), taken from unsplash.com.

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